at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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