Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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