he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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