Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
