quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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