did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My bed smells like the plague
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
