Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
