So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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