I smell stomach acid.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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