While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
