I just saw a hot homeless man
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
