theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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