Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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