At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
