I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
well you can't waste a boner
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
