sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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