At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
