I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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