I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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