i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
