Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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