my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
