I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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