If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we're making bets on your personal life
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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