i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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