if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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