Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Life is so much better after having sex.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
