I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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