i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
