My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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