genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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