I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
