A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
