Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
