You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
