piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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