1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
These tits shall not be calmed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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