idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
