never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
