one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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