Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
