My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
