remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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