You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
