There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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