Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Randomize
