If i could tip my vagina, i would.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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