Do you still have your period?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
