Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
