you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
