I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
