need another drink. this is the easiest way
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
