You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
