We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
did i just pee glitter
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
