apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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