I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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